


War of Hearts

by orphan_account



Series: Song Fics [2]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Bad Decisions, Character Death, Drinking to Cope, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Fist Fights, Goodbyes, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Love Confessions, Major Character Injury, Mental Breakdown, Mild Blood, Pining, Pity Sex, Sad Ending, Self-Pity, Stalking, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Unrequited Lust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 07:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21032564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Whats happens when the Doctor runs out of time with her feelings?





	War of Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Song fic based on the song War of Hearts by Ruelle

_Come to me_

_In the night hours_

_I will wait for you_

She remembered their meeting like it was yesterday, but instead it was oh so long ago now. Was it weeks? Months? Surely it hadn't been a year? Time was relative, to her at least. Linear time did not exist, her time was a tangled web of intersecting strings, chafing and strangling each other. It required careful consideration to manage and navigate though. She had seen so much in the thousands of years she had lived, lived much longer than she had intended to, given another run of time. Time that had been so badly spent thus far in anger and regret. Time he, she, they had wasted. And she was still wasting it now. Pretending to be blind when really she saw so clearly. For where she was in time, by logic, she was still married. Would forever be married. Time was cruel and fickle, and her wife was clever and wily, nothing was ever concrete. Oh, the day she had met one Yasmin Khan was not something she would soon forget in a hurry, no. No, it was written in the sands of her time far before she could have foreseen it. It was something that was meant to happen, so fixed and deep rooted and immovable. But gods, she wished it wasn't. She wished to the depths of her soul that the point could be erased from history. She wanted it gone. Wanted nothing to do with it anymore. 

Oh, for all her foresight, she was so very blind. And had to deal with the consequences. 

_And I can't sleep_

_‘Cause thoughts devour_

_Thoughts of you consume_

Another night. Another thought. Another dream. Sleep was impossible, too many thoughts ran around inside her head. She wanted them to go away, tried both burying and acknowledgement, but nothing helped. Nothing could remove the sickness, the racing of her hearts, the headache inducing mix of dread and elation. She was a wreck, hands clawing through knotted hair as she let out a low groan into the dark. The Doctor could feel the TARDIS reaching out in a vain attempt to comfort her. She felt the love and kindness and understanding. After all, who else could understand her pain? Only the ship who loved her more than the fabric of reality itself. Both of them wanted something they could never truly have, and yet, the Doctor was so much closer. It was tangible to her, wishing her grasp. She let it sit there, let it slip right through her fingers. All she had to do to get what she wanted, was to let go. And yet…where she was was safe. Known. Unable to hurt her unless she hurt herself first. The other option was the unknown. Fear. Countless times she had sworn to herself she deserved better, that she would know when the time was right and that she would take her own advice. And yet there she was; sweat soaked in bed, staring at the ceiling, unable to take the step into the abyss. The step towards something that would surely, surely make her happy?

The Doctor deserved to be happy, but even with the key in her hands, the lock moved further and further away from her reach. 

_I can't help but love you_

_Even though I try not to_

_I can't help but want you_

_I know that I'd die without you_

No matter what she did, no matter how hard she tried, she was falling. Falling and falling. She hated it, and loved it. It made her feel alive again, made her feel...wanted. Because that was all she had ever desired, but life had a way of twisting that. Oh, people wanted her...wanted her dead, wanted her in chains, wanted her to save them or to heal them. Nobody ever wanted her for who she was, away from the title she had ran away with. Her life was just to fix everyone else's problems, but who would be there for her own? She had to fix herself too. The Doctor had learnt the hard way, many times over, that nobody could be relied upon to help her. So she kept everyone as far away as she could, but just close enough to keep them on board. She wanted them, and wanted them to want her. Yasmin Khan was something else entirely. Not only did she want her to want her, she wanted her in kind. It was the most she had wanted anything or anyone. The Doctor caught her lingering stares, the way they held each other longer than anyone else, how they would often sit together or pair off in a crisis. She caught the compliments, the off-handed remarks, knew them word for word. She knew that human women were incredibly generous with their phrases, but something felt different. Loaded. Perhaps she was only hearing what she wanted to hear. What she needed to hear.

The Doctor was lonely, despite everyone around her, and it was killing her. Killing her so much she wanted to risk it all for just one more good feeling.

_Stay with me a little longer_

_I will wait for you_

The Doctor was going to bite her tongue. She had to. It was either that or risk everything. How could she break the bonds she already had? What good would come of it? She had her little spot, the spot she had come to know inside and out, she didn't need anything more than that. Right? Oh but she did. She ached for it. Every part of her body screamed for more and she just pretended things were fine. An escape. She wanted to escape. The Doctor was using Yaz as an escape. Except she didn't run. Not at first. Everything stayed exactly the same as it always had done. Until one day, one unassuming day, it didn't. There was a change in the air. A change in Yaz. Subtle at first, but enough to pique her curiosity. Although she never asked about it, no, the Doctor waited like a predator for the information to come to her as it always did. There was a name, one she had never heard before. Accompanied by...her smile. Her Smile. The one she had sworn was for her eyes and for her eyes only. It belonged to someone else's name, rolling off Yaz’s tongue like the most silken melody. It came to pass to sound like shattering glass being blitzed in a mincer to her ears. It cut her, made her bleed, made bile rise in her throat and burn an urge to spit venom. Her grasp was slipping, Yaz was slipping, and because she had set herself so far in her ways...all the Doctor could do was stand there and watch. 

That was the last time the Doctor saw Yaz. The last time they went and explored the wonders of the universe together. Her life was expanding and there was no room left in it for the silly old Time Lord who had no control over their time. 

_Shadows creep_

_And want grows stronger_

_Deeper than the truth_

From afar, she watched. Lingering in the doorway of the TARDIS, always just out of view, never leaving a trace of her presence behind. She was hurting herself, day in and day out, and yet she couldn’t stop. She was addicted to the self-inflicted pain, the pain that left no visible marks. It was a pain she could internalise, ruminate over, let it crush her down until nothing was left. Masochistic? Oh, it was more than that. The Doctor needed proof, proof that her thoughts had been wrong. Proof that maybe she had been making everything up in her head. Proof that time had not in fact run away from her. Except, she never saw that. Not once, not twice, not in any of the times she tried desperately to search for it. No, all she saw instead was…joy. She saw and heard and god-forbid tasted the joy. The love. The adoration. It clung to her like a stench, something repulsive and vile. Though she could not hate. Could not bring herself to hate. Her love ran far too deep and too long to even come close to such a thing. The Doctor stuck to hurting herself so that she would avoid hurting Yaz. Because…Yaz was happy. There was a spring in her step and a song in her hear and although she could hear it clear as day, the words were not meant for her. The song sang to her hearts and drew her in, but she was left alone to sing to herself. Yaz had found someone who could stay with her, provide her all the things that the Doctor never could for they would be impossible to ask. But if it was Yaz…then she would have tried. Tried anything and everything.

Instead, she returned to the TARDIS. Back to the box, to hop to another point in time where maybe…just maybe…their paths were meant to cross again.

_I can't help but love you_

_Even though I try not to_

_I can't help but want you_

_I know that I'd die without you_

A distraction, she needed a distraction. And one such thing came in the package of a roguish vagabond. She had forced their timelines to intersect, felt the fabric of their timelines grazing against each other and tearing another wound. The Doctor bore the pain like a soldier, let it fuel her. Several drinks in, and a fistfight, was all it took for her to start to fill the hole she had carved into her own hearts. After all, not even she could resist the Corsair. It was impossible. The Doctor hated impossible, but it was much better when it could be made possible. They were both lonely, both in need of comfort, both burning with desires for things that couldn’t be. Sure, the Doctor was using the Corsair as an escape, giving her hope where there was none, but being selfish was all she had left. She needed the control of something, anything, and if it had to be a torn up old bed used by countless of others before her…The Corsair was strong and soft, beautiful, but she imagined Yaz. Only Yaz. It was all she could see, all she could feel, and stars if it didn’t make her want to burn up inside a supernova. The tables had turned so much that the Doctor called all of the shots, but when the night was said and done, the trip to the TARDIS was filled with regret. No doubt she had just hurt one of the only friends she had left in the universe. No doubt she had used her and whispered the sweet nothings that were never meant for her ears. The Corsair wasn’t stupid, wasn’t as blind as the Doctor was, and if she had any problems with what had transpired then they were not known to her. Still…

The Doctor curled herself up underneath the console, white hot tears streaming down her face and falling through the gaps in the floor. She cried out into the emptiness, longing desperately for something to fix her.

_I can't help but be wrong in the dark_

_‘Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts_

She stayed locked up in the TARDIS for an ungodly amount of time. Simply floating through the time vortex. The Doctor ignored all the distress signals, ignored the beacons from burning planets and helpless ships. She disabled the warning system for earth. Hid herself away from everything. Neither food nor water nor the desperate need to sleep could pull her out from her spot. Her legs were held close to her chest, coat abandoned, nails leaving red marks where they stayed buried in her pale skin. Dark circles hung low under her eyes, dry and sore from too many tears cried. It matched the harsh sting of her throat. The TARDIS could not coax her free, a custard cream still sitting in front of her nose, never touched. There had been times where she could have easily tilted herself, rocked the ship, forced the Doctor out. But her own heart wept for the sight of her beloved thief. Nothing had been the same inside her endless walls since the three companions had vacated from their lives. Watching the steady decline of the Doctor over the loss of Yaz had left her reckless. The TARDIS had wilfully taken her thief to all the places that the Doctor could go to see Yaz. See Yaz and the woman who hung off her arm. It had been a naïve thought to think; she will improve. For everything she could see, the TARDIS had become blind as well. Mindlessly following the whims of their thief to the ends of the universe. Dimming the internal lights down, she tried once more to try and coax the Doctor out with a new, fresh biscuit. It clattered into the drop point, but did nothing to stir the Time Lord.

All she received was a laboured sigh, the Doctor burying her head into her arms as her body began to shake with silent sobs.

_I can't help but want oceans to part_

_‘Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts_

A steady stream dripped across her lips and down her chin, the metallic tinge soiling her tongue as it slipped into her mouth. Her nose hurt, but the pain was nothing in comparison. She could fix the hurt, stop the bleeding. Eventually. Until then, she let the orange tinted blood continue to flow freely as cool air bit into her bruised and raw knuckles. The Doctor needed the fight, needed the challenge. Drinking until she blacked out proved fruitless in bringing any kind of feeling back to her life. Sex was a pointless endeavour, only increasing the hollow in her chest. With her body trying to knit itself back together, it gave her adrenaline. Something to focus on. The Doctor hated violence, couldn’t stand for it, much preferred to do anything without causing harm. She was going against every moral fibre of her being but nothing mattered anymore. The universe could go on without her. If she was to die, then and there, broken and bruised then so be it. People wanted her to be a healer, but she was a creature born from war and loss and pain. The cycle of joy she had been born into had ended, ended the day Yasmin Khan had left the TARDIS. All that was left was anger and regret. People wanted her in chains, dead…the Doctor was going to give them what they wanted. The crackle of the stun wand broke through then tension in the air, the sparks of electricity shining in her dark eyes. It was nothing to her. It meant nothing to her.

The Doctor smiled. Her sonic still lay in her pocket, waiting to fix the trouble she had brought herself into, and yet the Time Lord ignored it. Ignored it instead to jump back into the fray, all guns blazing. She would not go down without a long, hard fight.

_I can't help but love you_

_Even though I try not to_

_I can't help but want you_

_I know that I'd die without you_

The wound was too deep, too precise. Combined with the poison…She had invited her own death with open arms, but had not expected to see it come to fruition. Piloting the TARDIS to where she wanted to go was hard, hands slipping over the controls from the blood on her hands. It was a mistake, going where she was going, but if she was going to die…die for real…then there was only one person in the whole universe she wanted to say goodbye to. When the TARDIS came to a stop, she fell against the console, crying out as she felt her remaining heart stutter. It took all of her strength to make it to one of the crystalline columns, blood smearing over the surface as she tried to right herself. With one final, pleading look to her ship, she felt the doors open. Getting outside was going to be next to impossible, and having people notice her would ruin everything. Hospitals couldn’t save her, nothing could now. The Doctor felt her legs give way underneath her, another spike of pain burning her remaining blood. Her vision was already clouding, mind hazing, leaving her barely enough consciousness to hear her name being called out. She couldn’t speak, couldn’t answer, only just about managing the barest hint of a smile as a figure came running towards her. When two warm hands cupped her deathly cold cheeks, brown eyes already brimming with tears, the Doctor wanted to say something. Anything. However, when she heard another set of footsteps echoing through the TARDIS, followed by a voice…a woman’s voice…the Doctor wanted nothing more than for death to take her.

She saw a single gold band on Yaz’s finger. She had been too late.

_I can't help but be wrong in the dark_

_‘Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts_

“Doctor?! What-”

“Don’t…”

“No, don’t you ‘don’t’ me! What in the hell has happened to you?!”

“I…Yasmin Khan…look at you. I’m late.”

“Late? What do you mean late? Late for what?”

“For you. I’m…I’m late for you.”

“Me?”

“Yasmin…I…”

“Doctor, it’s Yaz. Why aren’t you calling me Yaz? We’re friends. You told me we were friends.”

“I…I can’t. Not anymore. I don’t have long…Yasmin…so let me say one thing.”

“Doctor…what are you saying? Not long for…no…are you…please say no.”

“Yasmin Khan. You told me I was the best person you’d ever met…and you were to me. I never got a chance to tell you…to tell you…”

“Tell me what, Doctor?”

“To tell you…that I love you. I had, from the moment we met. I always will…I love you.”

"Doctor..why are you-"

"Because...I never got the chance...and look at you now...married."

"Doctor..."

"I'm dying...I can't regenerate...and before I go, I wanted the last face I saw...to be you..."

"Please...please don't go..."

"Yaz..."

".._.I love you too_..."

_I can't help but want oceans to part_

_‘Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts_


End file.
